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| \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tI remember the first time I got peed on. It was 1997. Clinton had just been reelected. Savage Garden was churning out hits. And a Pug walked up to me, looked me square in the eyes, lifted his leg, and pissed all over my face. Since then, at least one dog has urinated on me every day.
But my story doesn’t start with me. It starts in 1801, the year my great-great-great grandfather — the first fire hydrant — was born. He was made of wood and ironically died in a fire, but before that, he instilled a strong work ethic and love of community in all of us. He provided water to the people when they needed it — whether it was for an idyllic block party or the firefighters battling the blaze that ultimately burned him to an ashen crisp. He set an example for generations that we still follow: we’re always there for our neighborhood.
You know who’s never appreciated that? Dogs. For more than 200 years, dogs have been pissing on my family members. I’ve had enough. And now? I’m pissing back. (No, not with urine. With water. I don’t have kidneys — I’m a fire hydrant, don’t be ridiculous.) But I will spray every dog within reach until I run out of water or you disconnect the hose that’s attached to me, whichever comes first.
I don’t want to be in a pissing contest with your dog. But when you get peed on for 27 years, eventually you realize,Oh. I’m in a pissing contest.And before you say “I have a girl dog!” or “He squats when he pees!”, remember: dogs in your family have been “going potty!” and “taking a tinkle!” on my family for eons.But YOU can end this madness for FREE! Just click here.
BARK calls meThe Revenge Fire Hydrant. At least, that’s how their marketing writers refer to me. Perhaps it helps them to depersonalize me. But I have a name. It’s Harry. It’s what my friends call me. And if you welcome me into your home and let me piss all over your dog, well, then you can call me Harry, too.
Do the right thing:get me and the XL Rocket Pup toy for FREEso I can undo centuries of injustice. (The Rocket Pup toy is unrelated to justice. BARK insisted on including it for your dog in case their feelings get hurt when I spray them. HA! This company’s dog obsession is WILD.)
Thank you for reading. See you on the next walk. Please do not pee on me.
Seriously. Don’t.
- Harry the Fire Hydrant, Great-Great-Great Grandson of Herbie the Fire Hydrant |
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\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t| \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t | \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tOffer of a free Harry the Hydrant + XL Rocket Pupsicle Toy is valid while supplies last and is applicable to 6- or 12- month plans only for new subscriptions.
\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tOther conditions may apply. All charges are in USD. Products shown in above image may or may not be included in your BarkBox.
\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions,contact us. Please do not reply to this email.
\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t \t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tYour purchase is subject to the BarkBox:
\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tTerms of ServiceandPrivacy Policy.
\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t©BarkBox, Inc. All rights reserved.
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